Mrs. CPA

Hell...

Will include a neverending Auditing and Accounting update for Continuing Professional Education. 

I love you CPA Mom, but damn, I am glad I am not an auditor.  That shit is boring .  SAS and FASB and PCAOB and OCBOA and OMG I AM DYING!

For Sale to a Good Home:

Two very cute perfectly matched ears:

(Attached baby not included.)  Guaranteed to cost you a shitload of money in ear infections and lost work time.  Now with MORE teenage selective hearing!! 

Does this baby look sick to you?

Me neither (and he's like that ALL the time).  But his ears (horribly infected, caused doctor to recoil in horror and gasp) are costing me a penny a minute for the next ten days.  And I get to stay home (that part's not so bad). 

Maybe I should have listened to my junk mail this week and this wouldn't have happened.

 

I'm sure a few preventive drops in each ear would have done wonders! 

We are off to take a nap now. 

Internal Dialouge - Part Duex

(Continuation form here)

12:10 - Oh, new stuff at Zoot.  Read, read, read, read, read.  Comment.  Oh, Cagey commented.  Let me click on her.  Damn, I need to be working.  Read, read, read, read, read.  Comment.

12:45.  Shit, where did the time go?  Hollow Squirrel, Hola, Isabel, Life and Times of a Working Mom, Site meter.  Obsessive checking of stats is a time waster.  Must quit looking at cities and states. 

12:46 - Email!  Let me see if E! Online has some new scoop on Grey's Anatomy.  Nope.  Get back to work, dammit. 

1:00 - Work.  Working hard.  Get up and go make copies.  Tell secretary about how I hit myself in the face/lip this morning with the Douney & Burke fob on my purse.  And how it still hurts.  Also reminisce about the time I got up to go to lunch and my ankle gave way and I fell flat on my face in my office.  I didn't even trip on anything.  I just fell.  Laugh.  Laugh some more.  Copies. 

1:13 - Back at desk.  Arrange copies, make dead file, set up new year section.  Look through copies.  Maybe Gmail just forgot to tell me that I had mail.  Should probably go check.

1:15 - No E-mail.  I wonder if Dooce has posted for the day?  What about Amalah?  Maybe just a quick check for Mimi Smartypants, she's been AWOL for a week or so. 

1:24 - WOOOOOOORRRRRKKKKKKK!!!!!

1:26 - Maybe Gmail forgot to send me ...  No.  Work.  You are going to be sorry for this come October 13th when you are at the office at 2 am.  Amalah's not going to be here to help you then.  Maybe I can get Silly Hily to do some tax returns?  Wouldn't that be fun?  How could we all get together one day?  Maybe start looking at locations of all people like AmyW and JoyLynn, and Susan in VA.  What about Samantha Jo?  I think she would be hysterical in person too... Who else?  Man that would be fun. 

1:30 - Working now.  Punching holes in copied papers.  Putting in file. 

1:32 - Hi boss!  I am working here!  Nothing to see!  Sure, I can add that to my list.  I don't mind at all.  (When the hell am I going to get this done?  God, I have got to stay off the internet.)

1:37 - Hi next door neighbor.  How's your mother in law?  Your broken arm-ed kid, your Ultimate Fighting Championship class last night?  Good!  It sounds like fun.   Do they let girls join the class?  I could kick some ass I bet.  Cheerleading for little girl sounds fun too.  It cost you how much??  So you finally finished the rest of Lost from last season?  The new ones start in a few weeks.  I'm glad you can watch them live this year. 

1:42 - The ice machine is leaking?  And your monitor is now fried?  How convenient.  I guess you get a new flat screen one don't you?  Damn, and I have to keep this humongous one. 

1:49 - Hi boss!  Still working hard in here as you walk by to get coffee.  Can't you tell from the serious look on my face how involved I am with Real! Work! on! the! Computer! 

1:50 - Baby pictures.  I can't wait to get home and see that kid.  And Grey's Anatomy!  Yea!!!  Pizza!  I even have artichoke hearts.  Yum. 

2:00-2:58 - Hard working.  Tax returning.

2:59 - Time to go and check out the candy drawer. 

3:00 - Only baby Resse cups.  I think four is the serving size.  I really wish we would go back to the good candy.  Also, I know they put out holiday stuff earlier and earlier, but I'm pretty sure the easter candy isn't out yet.  Year old chocolate?  Hell yeah.  Also gross. 

3:01 - Break time.  Who else may have posted today?  Surf, Surf, Surf, Surf.

3:19 - Working again.  Who the hell gives away $13,000 worth of goodwill donations in a year?  I think you've overvalued your stuff.  Just a leeeetle. 

3:34 - Hi, client!  Sure, I'll be happy to met with you about something that you didn't listen to us about the first time and now you owe a bunch of money that you don't have.  I would love to EXPLAIN IT TO YOU AGAIN. 

3:58 - Only an hour or so left.  Maybe I can get this finished before the end of the day? 

4:27 - E-mail break!  Also check Vox.  Maybe something juicy on there too.  I still need to give away some invites.  Maybe I can get someone else to give mine away.  Oh, cute little fox looking like it is pooping flames.  I wish I knew how to design stuff.  I need a new design myself.  Maybe I can download the free trial of Photoshop and do it myself?

4:32 - I guess I need to stay an extra 30 minutes so that the gym won't be so busy.  I'll work!

4:45 - 5:02 - Bye other office people!  Have a good evening!  Don't forget to watch some good TV tonight!

5:02:30 - I wish I was leaving now.  Am being responsible and making up for time missed by being late.

5:03 - Work. Work some more.  Add some numbers really fast. 

5:35 - Look at the time, will you?!  I'm off.  Shut down computer.  Man, I wish I had a flat screen monitor.  Maybe I can somehow arrange an "accident."  Is there a monitor mafia?  Am off deep end.  Go.  Get your ass to the gym.  Then Baby!  And pizza!  And TV!  Oh, and husband. 

5:48 - Arrive at gym.  Why in the hell isn't there more close parking?  Kelly, you retard, it's the gym. You go there to workout.  Park far away. 

5:54 - Clothes changing.  Putting on shoes.  Lady in bathing suit, do you know that when you change clothes at your locker your butt is reflected in the mirror and everyone can see it? 

6:00 - Good treadmill is open!  Reading US Weekly.  Hide time with towel to combat obsessive time checking.  (What, Me obsessive?  Never.) Watch lady who always brings Cat Fancy as her magazine and does the sitting bike veeeerry slow. 

6:30 6:27 6:22 - Get off treadmill.  I did eat a good lunch today.  Shut up.  Wipe off treadmill.

The end.

If you must know.  I came home, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, set up TIVO, gave instructions for bath-time, assembled supper, cleaned up the kitchen, transfered child to bed from daddy's arms and sat down 15 minutes before Grey's Anatomy started.  Pizza ready at 8:15.  Ate too much of it and then did some stuff on the 'puter until bedtime at 12:15. 

And I had pretty much the same day today.  But with cheap Mexican for lunch.  And we all came back to the office smelling like beans.  And I left at 4 and picked up my baby and we came home a took a  nap.  He is still asleep.  I got up at 7.  Will be up all night.  Write something so I can read it.

Have a good weekend! 

Internal Dialouge

7:45 8:00 8:15 - Arrive at work.

8:25 - Refill water mug (when was the last time I washed it? Yuuumm, squishy ice), eat yogurt that I brought from home.

8:26 - Still eating yogurt, also reading e-mail and blogs.

8:45 - Yogurt done.  What am I going to have for lunch?

8:46-10:00 - Work

10:01 - Hungry.  What am I going to have for lunch?  Arby's? Oooo, yummy Chinese place? I have to go and let the dogs out.  And I have no money.  Must go home.

10:03 -  Yummy Chinese place?  Crap, still no money.  Check bank balance online.  Really no money for food.  I have leftover tequila lime turkey at home.  Can make wrap.

10:14 - What about McDonalds?  UUUHHH, still no money. 

10:15 - Maybe a little more work

10:50 - Almost lunch time! 

10:55 - Can I leave before 11?  Would people think I am crazy?

11:15 - Oh, crap.  It's past 11.  I'm leaving now. 

11:15:30 - Hi payroll guy!  I was planning on going home for lunch but, oh, yes I caused you a lot of problems last week with that tip credit thing.  Sorry about that. 

11:16 - Wait!  Just because I said I was planning on going home doesn't mean I have to do that!  I want to go!  Free Lunch!  Wait for me!  Never mind.  Have to let out dogs. 

11:18 - I'm going home now.  After bathroom.

11:19 - Uhh. Thighs.  Am definitely eating wrap.

11:20 - Damn, I really wanted yummy Chinese place.

11:25 - Home.  Doggies barking.  Cut up turkey.  Maybe start a load of clothes.  Chinese Food. 

11:26 - This lettuce is a little brown.  Last head of lettuce lasted 2 months.  Shitty Publix lettuce.  Must remember to only buy Target 2 month lettuce.  But have crumbled goat cheese and horseradish jack cheese.  And mushrooms.  All good ingredients.  A little lite three cheese ranch dressing to tie it all together.  I hope I don't have to talk to anyone up close this afternoon. 

11:27 - Fuck.  Whole wheat tortilla tearing.  How can I have a wrap if it won't stay wrapped!!!  Wait, there's hummus left.  What can I use to eat hummus? finger? spoon?  Baby carrots=healthy!

11:30 - Very hard to eat unwrapped wrap and surf internet.  Maybe this is why TP keeps yelling about food in keyboard?

11:40 - Last of hummus.  Damn, I didn't buy any extra at the store.  What am I going to use the rest of these carrots for?  I hate orange food. 

11:41 - How much time do I have left?  Must start load of baby clothes.  Bibs are like Gremlins, when they get wet, they multiply.  Who left them all over the place? Damn it, TP.  Oh, wait, that was probably me.  Why didn't he pick them up?? Shithead. 

11:42 - Might as well take of the changing table cover and the crib sheet; and blankie probably needs some washing too.  Must remind TP to put stuff in dryer.  This will show him.  He can't reach over to put new crib sheet on!  Ha!  Oh, that means I'll have to do it when I get home.  Foiled again.   

11:55 - Need workout clothing.  Since I ate all this healthy stuff at lunch, how many minutes does that shave off my treadmill time?  Probably none, since I ate half the container of hummus.  But with carrots!! Still 30 minutes.  Damn. 

12:00 - Alright doggies, come on!  Treat time! (cue thundering paws on deck)   Pete, do not attack Jax for his treat.  Stop it. 

12:03 - Bye puppies!  Have a good afternoon.  Hmmm, I wonder what kind of chocolate the receptionist has in her drawer?  I think we'll have homemade pizza in honor of Grey's Anatomy tonight.  I think I need wine to go with it.  Live semi-drunk blogging.  It could become a tradition!  Can I go in grocery store with workout clothes on without frightening people?

12:08 - Back at Work.  Must work all afternoon.  No blog checking.  Only e-mail replies when the google mail indicator pops up.

12:09 - Ooohh, mail!  Wait, I need to see if Miss Zoot has posted anything new.  She always posts a lot so I can have something new to look at. ...

 

O.K. I've gotten several requests for The Rest.  Of the story.  God, you intenets are so demanding.  I'll complete the day today.  I thought everyone would be all, "Well, she just thinks we need to know Everything doesn't she?"  So I didn't go any farther. 

Things I Am Thankful For

That I left myself two glasses of wine yesterday: 

Cute sleeping babies (with a dirty toe):

The Magic Shell I bought at the grocery store last night:

That I can leave the door open and let the cool night air in and the dogs can drift in and out:

My laundry doing husband (who needs a haircut)(And did not pose for this picture.  I think I hate his photogenic self a little):

Just Because We're at Church Doesn't Mean You Don't Drive Me Crazy

On Wednesday nights, our whole family goes to the church.  We have a meal and then there are about a dozen small groups you can choose to participate in.  The food is always delicious.

(Thank You Miss Beverly!)(Except for tonight, when it's chicken pot pie, which is gross. Next week is lasagna though, so, yum!)(Also, just because I don't like something, doesn't mean she doesn't make the best there ever was.)(OK, I'll stop with the parentheses.)

TP keeps the nursery instead of going to a class.  I used to, but last year when I was pregnant, I told the nursery director that I wanted to take Wednesday off from nursery working since I would need to work the extra hours during tax season.  And I was tired.  And I wanted to go home and watch Lost.  So I ate my supper and went home.

This year, I decided to participate in one of the small groups.  We have a large homeless ministry at the church, and one of the men who helps out is a retired photographer.  He offered to teach a class on photography.  I thought, "Great!  This is something I could really use!"  (As I am sure you are all aware of by the quality of my pictures.)  So I signed up. 

I should have known I was in trouble the first night when he said he was going to go over the limit at the beginning of class.  I am a stickler about classes being over.  It's supposed to be over at 7:30.  I would like to be home in time for Lost each week and also have some time to play with Mr. Cheeks before he sacks out.  And learn something.  Not about the history of photography.  While interesting, it does not help me take a better picture.  The class was sort of sucky.  Not worth the hour and a half of my life I had spent there. 

I thought I would give the class another chance, so I went back last week.  We had a few newcomers, one who was just there to observe.  And by "observe," he meant ask a lot of really obnoxious questions in a really slow old man way.  While our teacher (who I'll call Andy), was going on and on about some drivel about a glass negative and a D70, and how he wished his wife would let him buy one, (uuuuh, is it bad that my first thought was "Dooce has that camera?" No? Ok, moving on.) the man with the annoying questions STARTED FLIPPING HIS DENTURES OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND PLAYING WITH THEM BETWEEN HIS LIPS.

And then I could hear all of the other classes letting out.  People were walking down the back stairs still carrying on conversations and Andy was still talking. And talking some more, about F-stops, I think.  Which is potentially important, but he wasn't telling us what it was or what to do with it, so I didn't see how it was really that important.  I knew Mr. Cheeks was waiting down in the nursery for me, so I ran and got him and then we stayed for 20 MORE MINUTES.  Andy was still talking when I left. 

I think I'm going to just go on home tonight and forget the photography class.  I could learn more on my lunch hour watching other people take pictures at the zoo.  Do all old people do this: every time he opens his mouth to speak, this raspy, voice from the grave, breath has to escape first.  A "Hehhhhhhhhh" if you will.  It makes me want to pour developing chemicals in my ears.  I'm so intollerant.  And impatient.  I feel sort of sorry for him because he probably doesn't have anyone to talk to all day, except the homeless people in the morning and then he has this captive audience, but I can't take it anymore. 

And Lost starts in two weeks.

Countdown

In two more days, possibly the most fabulous television program to ever grace a cathode ray tube will be returning with new episodes. 

That show is Grey's Anatomy.  And just when you think you can not possibly read one more blog: Grey's Anatomy has a blog.

Do not call me on Thursday night.  I will not answer.  Neither will Sily Hilly.

Watched last night: The Class (CBS, funny, pretty good), Studio 60 (NBC, good, will watch more), Deal or No Deal (NBC, that gigantic man had $3 million in his case!!! Does anyone else start thinking about what they would do if they won the exact amount of cash that the person goes home with?)

God, I Hope My Boss Never Finds This

First off, is it bad that I got a cramp in my hand pouring?

And no, I didn't drink all of these in one night.  It was two,thankyouverymuch.  And the bottle only makes five.  I know CPA Mom loves her some Chicky, Chicky Baby ones, but these are easy.  Also drunk-a-licious.

Tribute to Mr. Cheeks Six-month-oldity here, and here, if you missed it. 

Oh, Samantha Jo, you will get more than you bargained for (also, typos out the wazoo)...

What is under your bed right now?

This is an actual un-retouched photo (you can take that as truth because I don't own photoshop, nor would I know what to do with if I did.)

I'm actually really surprised that there isn't more dog hair under there.  Just in case you are wondering, I sleep on the right side in the picture.  And the reason why we don't keep anything under there is because of the dogs.  Pete eats stuff left on the floor, and Eleanor likes to lay half her body under there (She gets stuck sometimes and we have to lift up the bed.) 

Do you pick your nose?

Not at a stoplight.  And I don't really have to do this.  My nose is pretty pick-free.  But it is itchy. 

What is your favorite cleaning product and why?

Clorox Clean up.  It cleans up everything.  We use it when my mother's dog comes over and pees in the kitchen, I use it on the bathroom sink, I use it on the kitchen counters.  Pretty much everywhere.  But I always dilute it to half strength.  It works just as well and costs me less. (Money Saving tips brought to you by Mrs. CPA.)

Someone offers you a brand new car (whatever kind you want) for free OR a lifetime supply of free gas, which would you pick?

OK, let me just say this now.  I don't like to pay for gas, but it really doesn't bother me.  I think gas would have to get up to $5.00 a gallon before I would really care.  I pretty much drive to and from work/daycare and that's it, especially during tax season.  A tank of gas may last me two weeks.

So I'm going with the car choice.  And my car would be a convertible.  Probably the Crossfire.  I'm also partial to SUV's.  I know, I know.  I don't talk about anyone's minivan, (which, I would totally drive a Quest if I had to), but I like my Trailblazer.  A Suburban is too big for me, but a Tahoe, or something similar is not outside the realm of possibilities. 

Your boss has spinach between her teeth.  Do you tell her?

Both of my bosses are men, and they would never let anything so abhorrent as spinach cross their lips. (and if another person tells me not to eat spinach, I'm going to scream.  I don't even like spinach, nor would I buy the bagged variety. Who is wiping poop on spinach leaves?)  If they had pepper from their bar-ba-que lunch in their teeth, then yes, I would probably tell them.  After I told all my co-workers and we laughed about it. 

(Am out of margarita now, am detoxing.)(AAAHHH.)

How long did it take you to get pregnant?

If you noticed from previous postings, it wasn't exactly what we had planned, so I have to say once.  It was a very fun once, though. 

Did you find out the sex?

If I didn't find out,  I think I would have had a mild heart attack (and with my blood pressure, it could have happened, I guess.)  I am the person who waited until everyone was gone and I opened all my Christmas presents and re-wrapped them.  I was just as excited on Christmas morning.  I always read the TV show spoilers.  I am impatient.  And I am nosy.  AND I HAD TO BUY BOY THEMED CLOTHING.  Smocking even.  And you have to know whether that needs to be on a dress or a Jon-Jon. 

Were you at all disappointed it was a boy or were you glad it wasn't a girl?

Everyone thought it was a girl.  My dad is one of four boys, his brothers all had boys except me and my sister.  My sister then had boys.  I think we are cursed with the boys.  Maybe someday, we can have a girl.  And her closet will be unrivaled.   I was just excited to finally know. 

How often did you have sex before you had Mr. Cheeks and how often do you have sex now?

About the same.  I think Mr. TP would have his own little heart attack if I posted actual numbers, but it's about the same.  It less than we both want, but we are busy.  And he pisses me off on available dates, to his own detriment. 

Unless anyone has any further questions, we will go back to my own fanatical rantings and silliness.  If you do have any more, or any follow-up, I will be happy to oblige.  Put it in the comments or e-mail me. 

Why is Your Blood Pressure so High? Part Two

(Part One if you missed it.)

My mother and I made a quick trip to Wal-Mart for some last minute supplies, like velcro.  I had never really experienced the belly rubbing by a stranger, or someone asking a bunch of inappropriate questions.  Guess what?  Wal-Mart fabric ladies can talk.  I wasn't supposed to have left the house and as much as this woman was jabbering on, I had a good case for false imprisonment. 

Part of the deal with going to the hospital was that I had to go in late in the afternoon and get some stuff done so that the baby could come out.  (It was more complicated than that but it's more that the internet needs to know about my girlie parts.)  It involved the airplane landing lights coming down from the ceiling and focusing on areas of my body that have never been so illuminated.  And lots of saline.  And it was not pleasant.  I sent TP home afterwords.  Nothing was going to happen until they started the pitocin in the morning.  Lost was a repeat, and my evening nap was interrupted by phone calls form the office to ask me questions about the tax return. 

Sleeping in the hospital wasn't so bad, and the saline business was over in the middle of the night.  When I got up and took a shower, I was so whacked out I didn't take my bra off.  At about 5, they started the pitocin and my doctor came in and broke my water.  I expected a baby by, you know, 7:30.  If I wanted an epidural, I was told to go ahead and get it, since they were about to start some c-sections, and it might get ugly before they could get back.  I took them up on this offer.

Why is Your Blood Pressure so High?

These words, on March 14th, started a chain of events that culminated on March 16th, SIX MONTHS AGO(!), with this:

As some of you may be aware, I am a CPA (I can hear the, "dude, really?  I had no idea?") and the first four and half months of the year are like boot camp for a Ricki Lake wayward teen show participant.  It kicks your ass six ways to Tuesday and then some.  It's brutal.  And I love it.  When I found out I was pregnant, I can remember with amazing clarity the pit of fear that over took me when I counted up the months.  I realized what a shitstorm this would unleash at the office, and I dreaded telling my bosses. 

How fitting was it that I went to tell my husband I was pregnant at the pool hall with some books?  Of course, he was ecstatic, even though it was something we had only talked about.  But here was a stick that said "pregnant" on it.  There was no "not" in front of it, my worst college fear realized.  And books!  So it must be real!   And lots more exclamation points!  I couldn't believe that it was actually happening.  It was ahead of schedule!  We weren't ready!

But we were.  We told all of our family, and no one else.  At the first doctors appointment we were going to have an ultrasound and if we saw that everything was ok, I would break it to the bosses.  After my annual tune up (with TP in the room, which was odd), we were off to the ultrasound room with good results.  I was having a pretzel stick.  With a beating heart.  There was a heart in there.  And it was going to be surrounded by a bunch of other stuff and be a baby.  A Baby.  That was going to have to eventually come out of my body.  And live in my house.  And ask me for money.  And God, I wanted for it to be here NOW.   

D-day was the next day, and it went better than expected with my bosses.  They were not as mortified as I had envisioned and we came up with a game plan to try and get as much work done as possible before my due date.