Stop With the Introspection, Bitch, and Start Tellin' Some Jokes*

TP' s office has decided to form a team for Ruben Studdard's Scale Back Alabama.  Although the title of the movement leaves a lot to be desired, (alternate titles: Alabama Asses:Too Big; Ruben Really wants you to Loose Weight so Someone will write a story about him and possibly buy his album; Hey Alabama!  Stop eating all that Crap! None of which really have the catchiness of "Scale Back Alabama"), TP's office has formed a team of 8 to hopefully loose the highest percentage of weight in the state in the next 8 weeks.  If their team wins, they each get $1,000 ( Which TP plans on spending on a Wii.). For signing up, they got one of those pedometer things (isn't that what you call those contraptions you put on your belt to tell you how many steps you have taken in a day? Too lazy to Google it.)  TP dutifully attaches it to his belt every morning right next to his snap-back ID badge and off he goes.  He's also figured out that if you just shake it; it starts adding non-taken steps to the count.  Yea!  I have a husband who is so uncommitted to weight loss he will lie to his pedometer.

Anyway, this of course means I am on the Scale Back Alabama weight loss plan too.  I could have several paragraphs on the state of my ass and the amount of weight I need to loose.  Let me condense that for you:

blah, blah, blah, blah, broad side of a barn ass, blah, blah, no more beer, blah blah, stay away from the Taco Bell drive through, blah, blah, weight issues, blah, need to do better, blah, the end.

Anyway.  I've lost about 4 pounds since last week.  I gather TP has not lost that much from the dejected peering over his rapidly spreading belly at the scale in the morning.  (And he does it with all his clothes on.  Any self respecting woman could tell you that you always weigh with as little clothing as you possible can.  There was a woman at LA Wieghtloss who used to take off her pants and have the ladies hold up a sheet for her.  I at least took off my shoes.  Also a must, pee first before weighing.)  So we're working on it.  I'm mainly keeping up the slow but steady pace I have been and TP is saying things like, "You mean I have to eat good all day?"  Yes, dear, you do. 

*Do you have pop culture references in your family that no one ever gets?  This came from last season's Last Comic Standing when the comics preformed with a heckler in the crowd.  Roz (a very large black lady) was heckling another lady (a super spastic little white woman who liked to punctuate her jokes with a leg kick) and Roz's heckle was  "Stop kicking your leg, bitch, and tell some jokes."  And variations thereof.

We also like the Friends episode where Joey or Chandler is required to order food by saying "burger me" and I say things all the time like "tax return me" that no one gets.  And the one where Pheobe changes her name to Princess Consuela Bananahammock, and she doesn't know what BananaHammock means.  Paul Rudd as her newlywed husband, decides to change his name to "Crapbag."  I frequently get e-mails from TP signed Crapbag. 

My brother is the king of these obscure references, he and I share the secret language of Wayne's World, Elf, Adam Sandler's 1995 comedy album and Anchorman and could communicate entirely in non sequiturs from those sources.  I think that makes us sad. 

And since the aside has become almost as large as the post.  I'm going back to tax returning. 

Comments

[Kellie]

LOVE that episode of "Friends"...even funnier that your hubby signed e-mails as "Crapbag"...my man will leave me voice mails saying "Hey Princess Counsuela BananaHammock, it's Crapbag".

You crack me up....every. damn. time. :)

[Stacey]

Too funny! We personally enjoy "Hug it out, bitch" (from The Office). Also, STACEY DOESN'T SHARE FOOD (taken from a great 'Friends' episode - JOEY doesn't share food), whenever my husband tries to eat something off of my plate. I also pull out quotes from Napoleon Dynamite whenever the opportunity arises.

[Amy W]

Thanks for making me laugh first thing in the morning...

Ray and I are constantly copying lines from Scrubs, we thought we were the only geeks.

[CPA Mom]

I totally lost you on all that aside. Maybe I need to watch some actual T.V. once in a while. It's a thought.

Way to go on the 4 lbs.!! My husband (HP) is doing great on his weight loss. Every day he cuts up his cucumbers and carrots and measures all his portions. He is losing more than me, the bastard. Oops, I mean, the love of my life.

[Sharon]

Congratulations on the 4 lbs!

I don't know if you've ever seen the movie "Joyride" but my husband and I often affectionately refer to each other as characters from the movie, Rusty Nail and Candy Cane. It's kind of sick, but...that's us.

[Angie]

Thanks for making me laugh. I thought my sisters and I were the only ones with that sense of humor. We are constantly quoting lines from movies and TV shows. We also share the secret language as the five of us can have an entire conversation, line after line, with each other. (We're a strange group!) Our list also includes Friends, Groudhogs day, Dumb and Dumber, Office Space, Wayne's World and much more.

Thanks for making me smile!

[Erin]

My husband and I also do the obscure movie/TV show quote thing. Office Space is a particular favorite.

And maybe I am forgetting a Friends episode, but I swear that I saw the "burger me" thing as a joke on "Ed". And after we saw that show, my husband insisted on ordering a hamburger at a restaurant by saying "burger me". It didn't work. The waitress didn't get it. I could have cheerfully killed him.

[metalia]

I love that Friends episode, but I think Roz's line (which I had never before heard) will be my new motto from now on. LOVE it.